Handy Dandy
by Satan's Spiky Thong
Summary: Don't even ask why, just shut up and read. Rated M for sexual themes and some language.
It was well past visiting and guest hours at the Stock Pot Inn, but that didn't stop Link from breaking into the place. It was never too difficult to reach the balcony door that was always conveniently unlocked, since he could turn into his ugly bush persona and fly up there because there was a conveniently placed Deku flower. It was all fairly convenient.

It was quiet in the inn, save the scuttle of rodents and the occasional sound of laughter or the sort from the circus freaks' room every now and then. Not much seemed to go on in the small establishment at this hour. So there he was, snooping around on the bottom floor of the building for side-quest purposes, or perhaps the raw enjoyment of illegal trespassing. One of those. Or both.

Tatl would ring in his ear, but he'd ignore the annoying cunt until she just decided to bitch without permission, "You shouldn't be doing this. You're wasting time. The moon falls in less than three days, now, and all you're worried about is getting a thrill from a BEE and EE."

But Link just yolo'd and continued creeping down the corridor. He wasn't far enough in the direction of the kitchen when, ALLUVASUDDEN, a loud thud caused him to jump nearly three feet out of his crouched position. "What the bloody fuck?" Tatl asked, but again, no one cared.

Link quickly stumbled into the nearest room to avoid any unwanted attention, just in case. Once again, convenience was on his side, as the room was not only vacant, but completely accessible because it had no door at all.

In silence, he crouched to the left of the doorway, peeking out every now and then to check if someone was coming. Someone in some room yelled something in the language of profanity, but Link heard no doors open and no footsteps following the corridors. After a few minutes of dying sound, he gave Tatl the clear by flipping her off, then began creeping back around the corner of the doorway.

As soon as he moved to sneak into the corridor, however, something brushed against the back of his leg and startled him, which caused him to tumble onto the floor in a rather awkward position. "FFFFFFUUUUUU-" He began, but an even more odd-sounding voice cut him right off.

Actually, it sounded more like the dying wail of a man, "AAAUUUUGGGHHHH". Link was almost certain whoever or whatever had made the noise would surely attract the attention they were trying to avoid.

"For Hylia's sake..." Link muttered as he began to examine the tiny room; it was, in fact, really small. There was only one other object in the room besides them: a toilet. Yes, one of those gross, in-floor toilets the cheaper homes and establishments still had. Ew. Tatl was swirling around it, too, like a dirty ol' fly, but chiming like there was some unknown secret about what a toilet was.

"Tatl. Srsly. Tatl, stahp. Tatl. It's a toilet, stahp."

"NO, LINK! INSIDE THE TOILET IS A PERSON. WITH A MISSION. A MISSIONNNNN. A SIDE-QUEST. DING DING DING."

"AAAUUUGHHH!" A voice echoed in reply from down under.

Link almost jumped back again in shock of the sudden sound."Ew, really, how the fuck did that happen?! Lol, you are a shit. Literally. You lil' shit," he began to coo as he leaned over the poop hole. "Lol, how does someone even fall in, like what happened?! Did you trip?!"

"AAAUUUGHHHHHHHHHH!" The mystery man wailed once more.

"Okay, fine, whatchu' want?"

"PPPPPPPP-P-P-P-PENIS." Just as the full, five-lettered word came out, a hand shot up from the toilet hole. "PPPPPPPPPPPPPPP-P-P-P-PEEEENIS."

Link rolled back, smacking his head against the wall. "FUCK. WHAT?!"

The slimy, lanky, pale hand grabbed vainly at the air, knocking Navi out completely as it flailed off to the side. The fairy smacked the wall and toppled into Link's lap, which the boy reacted to by flinging the unconscious creature right off.

The man attached to the arm and grabby hand was still wailing and moaning for...well, for penis.

"There is no way in the realm of Demise that I am putting my dick in yo' hand, bruh."

The man stopped mid-wail. An awkward silence ensued, then, the voice echoed back, "I'll give you a heart container. Gimmie dat Golden Dildo that the Skull Kid stole from me and hid atop the Clock Tower. Do it. DO IT, PLEASE, OH GOOODDDDDAUUUGGGHHHHHH."

"OKAY," Link pushed himself up and tried coaxing the toilet man to calm down, "OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. SHHHHHHHHHH. I'M BEING EQUALLY LOUD, RIGHT NOW, BUT FUCK IT. I'M OUT. OKAY." So, without another word, Link left the limp body of his fairy companion and the mystery toilet man to go fetch that dildo trinket.

.:::.

AFTER A LITERAL TEN HOURS OF STRUGGLING TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE CLOCK TOWER, BECAUSE A CERTAIN DEKU SOMEONE WOULDN'T LET HIM USE HIS FLOWER FOR TEN FUCKING SECONDS, Link finally arrived at his destination.

BUT, HO! Atop the tower was the one, the only, Skull Kid. He shook his masked head, body rattling like a wooden puppet's, as he juggled the Golden Dildo in his thieving hands.

Link rolled his eyes. "I had figured that something like a fucking dildo made of gold would be more up Sakon's alley, no pun intended, but I guess I'll have to snatch that dick from your filthy hands."

Skull Kid chuckled a rattling chuckle, then tossed the glimmering dildo, complete with a ball-sack base, over the side of the Clock Tower.

"That's bull, bruh." Link dived over the edge, catching the oddly-detailed golden cock in his hands, just before he hit the...no, wait. NAVI SAVES THE DAY.

The annoying bitch swoops in at the last second and snatches Link by the end of his tunic skirt, the boy's head just an inch above the ground. "You so owe me, fucker."

"Yea, whatever." Link crossed his arms, dildo tucked under.

Navi dropped him on his head and flew off.

"Fuckin' cunt, whatever. WHATEVER. I GOT THE DILDO, I WIN," Link called out and shook his fist at the fairy as she flew away into the horizon.

Everyone in the center of Clock Town stopped and stared at the kid with a golden cock in his arms. Link didn't care, though. He'd get his heart container. He pushed himself up, brushed off his tunic and dildo companion, then trotted off in the direction of the inn.

Dildo tucked safely under his arm once more, albeit much too long to be completely concealed, he had the feeling a victorious hero should. After all, he had just rescued a dick made out of solid gold. It was worth SOMETHING. _SOMETHING._ Surely. It was odd anyone had the idea to create something as unique as A DAMN GOLDEN DILDO. That is art, friends.

Link was just jogging up to the inn when, out of nowhere, and AS USUAL, Sakon flew past him, grabbing the dildo and making a run for the closest gate. IT WAS ALWAYS THAT DAMN SCUM OF A MAN MESSING THINGS UP. He is the plot, though.

"STOP, THEIF." The guard that was doing the gate guarding yelled at Sakon, hand held out, but it was in VAIN. Sakon pushed past him with ease and fled into the wilds.

"SHIT ON A DEKU STICK, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME." Link took off after him, pushing the already irritated guard aside, who muttered something foul under his breath.

His epic quest for the Golden Dildo had just truly begun.


End file.
